Monthly Archives: November 2011

Beware the Black Friday

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Don't let their smiles fool you. They're probably armed, and definitely dangerous.

Thank goodness. It’s over. The dreaded Black Friday has come and gone. I’m sure some of you out there went and braved the human retail storm at obnoxious hours, but I’m not ashamed to say that I try very hard to stay home on this day. Yes zombies are scary. The boogie monster probably does really live under my bed, even though I don’t even have an under to my bed. (It’s an inflatable mattress) And don’t even get me started on aliens. I fear a lot of rational things. But most of all, I am afraid of holiday bargain shoppers. You might think I’m just being silly, but if you haven’t heard the horror stories that come out every year then you’re only endangering yourself. This year was particularly good, though I haven’t heard of anyone dying so it didn’t trump last year. Some of the scariest stories include:

  • A woman pepper sprayed her fellow shoppers in order to more quickly obtain an Xbox. Sure, it’s easier to get where you want to go if everyone around you is choking and/or writhing in pain. But seriously lady, it’s a video game console. They’re not even that expensive. But thanks to you, Little Jimmy will now have the console of his dreams, which he must have really earned. Or perhaps he tortured you singing the song that never ends for the last week, and promised to stop only if you brought him this Xbox. Fair enough. But in that case, I’d have brought a taser.
  • A man was shot by robbers who were attempting to rob him and a few other men while they were walking to their cars with their Christmas purchases. The robbers must have missed the memo that Black Friday makes people crazier than a full moon. These guys were not about to be robbed of the goods they just spent hours in line waiting to get. Sure one of them got shot, but he’s fine and the rest of them managed to hold down one of the felons until the police arrived. Memo to all potential hooligans- Black Friday is NOT the day to plot your heist. People be crazy.

Nothing riles up the American Spirit like 20 dollars off a PlayStation! Seriously though, while we’re pepper spraying each other for toys, Egyptian citizens are faced with violent protests in an attempt to, ya know, gain some semblance of civil rights in their country? But that’s okay, nothing as important as getting that discounted plasma television.

Seriously people, just remember: Black Friday shoppers are not rational, caring or sensible human beings. They are retail retards possessed by the marginally discounted merchandise spirit. BEWARE.

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Bread and Buttah’

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Is that a hunky hunk of bread or what?

I think it’s safe to say that bread and butter is the best combination ever. I know that peanut butter and jelly are pretty infamous, and I won’t even go into milk and cookies. But c’mon, it probably all originated with bread and butter anyway. Crusty, hot, fresh bread with a giant slab of churned butter is probably what God had in mind when he created Wheat. And cows. And there are just so many possibilities to bread and butter. First of all, you can put all kinds of stuff in bread. Cheese, fruit, herbs, olives, sugar…and it’s all still awesomely carbohydrate-tastic bread. And butter…you can totally flavor butter. Not to mention all the other kinds of butter than have since evolved: apple butter, peanut butter, almond butter, nutella…they’re all FANTASTIC on bread.

I realize this is only one gal’s opinion. But I’m pretty sure I’m right. There’s a reason the saying “my bread and butter” was coined to describe one’s means of subsistence. Aside from being what everyone ate, thus what everyone bought with their hard earned money. Because people knew that bread and butter are a tried-and-true duo that are easy to get and never let you down.

Thus, baking should really be a more revered art. I feel that we have strayed from the simple pleasure that is bread and butter, not to mention the crazy science that goes into making a good loaf of bread. In this way it really only makes sense for me to acquire amazing bread making skills and spend the rest of my life eating delicious bread and butter. It’s definitely the thing I’d choose if I happened into one of those crazy alternate universes where I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life. I actually kind of wish I really could only eat bread and butter for the rest of my life. Sure it’d get kind of boring, but like I mentioned you can get creative. You can probably even find a way to make bacon bread. Or bacon butter! That’s definitely going on the to-do list. I could really go for some bread and butter. It may have something to do with the fact I have not yet eaten lunch today however. But I’m pretty sure that even after I eat my salad, I’ll be pining for a crusty hunk of bread and a generous dollop of creamy, salty, delicious butter.

Also, I have found kindred bacon-loving souls in the good people at Archie McPhee

Happy Birthday to Me!

Bacon Floss

I'm not sure how it'd be with mint, but don't worry. They have bacon toothpaste too!

Check out ArchieMcPhee.com for more bacon awesomeness.

I am a Library Lush

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Book Porn

The Trinity College Library. Definitely on my list of things I need to do before thirty. It’s right up there with the Harry Potter Theme Park and accomplishment.

I went to my normal moderately sized public library the other day in hopes of checking out the Hunger Games series. But alas, someone else had the same idea. Well, three someone elses had the same idea. How sad for me. I really wanted a book though,  so I had to improvise and peruse the shelves for something that looked interesting. I generally enjoy stories that have absolutely nothing to do with my real every day life, though I do prefer they could have possibly happened in someone else’s life. Aka, historical fiction. I’m no history buff, but if you set your story during the civil war and make Robert E. Lee’s grandmother’s washerwoman the protagonist, chances are I’ll read it. Because maybe it could have actually happened. So I check out Philipha Gregory’s stuff, see if she’s got anything interesting I haven’t read yet.

For those of you who are not familiar with her work, she writes awesomely historical stories, the most well known being The Other Boelyn Girl. Lots of her stories take place at various royal courts with various historical characters placed throughout the action. And there’s usually a ridiculously all consuming love story some where in there. (I wear Princess band-aids, of course I’m a sappy sap ball of fantastical absurdity.) Like I said, awesome. So, I pick up a book of hers I haven’t read which takes place in Jamestown, Virginia as it’s being settled for the first time. I love Virginia history, having spent a lot of my life there, so I’m in.

Well I’m out of authors I know of who have books I haven’t read, but I can’t leave the library with just one book. What a waste of a library trip. After having a silent but intense perusing battle with some woman in the “new realease” section (a perusing battle is when you and someone else are looking at the same shelf, and both edge closer and closer, just in case one of you spots a good book. You want to be the first to grab it. It can get dirty.) But there’s nothing that strikes my fancy. I did pick up a book that she was looking at though, just so she didn’t think she’d won. I continue to browse the fiction section, unabashedly only picking up books with titles I like and stickers on the spine that say  “fantasy”. And I find one called Black Ships having to do with ancient Greece and a chick protagonist and changing destinies or something like that. Sounds good to me!

Fast Forward Two Weeks

Between school work, talking to my dogs and obsessively watching Jenna Marbles YouTube videos I managed to finish the Philipa Gregory book. (Virgin Earth. I highly recommend it, this time her protagonist is a dude, and he falls for a Powhatan chick. Yay) So this morning I wake up, it’s Saturday, and I figure I’ll start the other book, as I don’t like to do anything that requires work on a Saturday until at least noon. Got my coffee, got my reading chair, let’s do this. Three pages in, it hits me.

I’VE ALREADY READ THIS BOOK

It’s official. I’ve read so many books, that I can’t remember which ones I have and have not read. Who does that?

Did I cut myself, or is that Jelly?

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I tend to injure myself and not realize it until later. Anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. Who knows what that says about me. But, I’m thankful for the little cuts and scrapes because they give me an excuse to put on a Princess Band-Aid. Yes, I’m twenty three and I use Princess Band-Aids. For those of you who injure yourself and don’t use a fun themed Band-Aid on your boo-boo, you’re seriously missing out. If Princesses aren’t your thing, they’ve got Cars, and Hello Kitty and funky psychedelic ones that look like tattoos.  Peruse the band-aid aisle next time you’re in the store. I’m sure you’ll find something that suits you. If you don’t, check out some novelty stores like Archie McPhee, they’ve got some shaped like pickles, bacon and even underwear. And then every time your hurt yourself and have to put on a band-aid, you’ll look at your fun Mac&Cheese/eyeball/ Jesus band-aid and smile. Your ouchie will no longer make you grouchy!

Genius, I know. In other news…

Finding bakeries to work for in Suburgatory is no easy task. All of the real life bakeries are located way too far for me to commute to because I:

a. Share a car with my Dad. Which I don’t mind, except that it makes figuring out a work schedule more than 10 miles from my house pretty much impossible.

b. Am still trying to finish school. Most real life bakeries want a pretty serious time commitment. Only one semester left though!

c. Live in one of the most traffic laden places in America. So any kind of commute is a bitch pain.

Oh well. There is supposedly a new bakery moving in down the street, I just don’t know when they’re opening, their website doesn’t have the location listed yet. But boy would that be a dream come true! I’d even get up at ridiculously early hours if I could work there! Which yes I know is kind of a given in the baking business, but I like to imagine I’ll discover some amazing method of baking bread the night before and having it be super duper awesomely fresh the next morning. Or a slow cooking bread that I can put in the night before and come in to a perfect loaf! The crock pot of bread! Yeah, that sounds good. I only need about eight hours now. I used to be able to sleep until like one or two in the afternoon. Now I can’t make it past 9:30, no matter how late I get to sleep. Well, that’s an exaggeration, more like before 2 am. Yeah, I’ll be up. Weird.

Bottom line is, I need to find a job soon. Not having any money to do anything is just not a fun way to live. At least I have school work.

Ew.

Stacked Cookie Cakes!

Look at these awesome cute cookie cakes! They’re so adorable! And you don’t even have to commit to one cake decorating scheme because hey, they’re cookie cakes, you have to make lots of them!

Oh my COOKIE HATS!

Oh my gawd! Imagine the ridiculous cookie hat possibilities! Hats with bling! Hats with feathers! Hats with huge fondant flowers! Hats with absurdly large cookie rims! It’s hat-tastic! I think Aretha Franklin would be down for a ridiculous cookie hat.

Yes, I want my baked goods to be fun and slightly absurd. Like me!

I’m also going to find a way to incorporate bacon into a cookie or cupcake, even if its just a nice caramelized piece on top. It’s gonna happen. Because friends- I really, really love bacon. If you for some reason have not tried bacon yet, get to it. It is magical.

I’m Probably Going to Live Longer Than You

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First of all, I’m super bummed because I found out today that Robin Williams is married. I was REALLY hoping that it would be to me. Oh well. I’m sure he’ll be happy with his tall-and-pretty-and-artsy-chick.

It should have been me

In other news, I’m pretty sure I’m going to live a long time. Barring a bear attack or choking on a pretzel. You know why?

Because I sing!

Not professionally of course, or really in front of anyone (Except my dogs). But I sing all the damn time. In the shower, in my car, on my way to class, when I change my clothes, when I make dinner. I am always singing. Sometimes they’re real songs, sometimes I make them up as I go. But bottom line- I sing. And singing makes me feel good inside and usually makes me dance in some form on the outside. Let’s be honest, you can’t sing and not dance. That’s lunacy. Anyway, singing is awesome because I am constantly breathing and making noise. Sometimes, especially in the car or shower, I sing super duper loud. Kind of like yelling. Which lets me blow off some steam. And that is mentally healthy. I’m also using my memory power to remember song lyrics, and my imagination to make up new lyrics when I’m singing my own songs. They do usually revolve around my dogs though. Or what I’m eating. But I use my brain! And of course, the dancing. I’m a great car dancer, gettin my groove on while sitting in traffic. I’m sure I’ve given a motorist or two something to laugh at, which makes me feel good because people are usually sad/mad when they’re stuck in traffic. And that makes me feel good too. Basically, I’m constantly producing endorphins to make me happy! And the more consistently happy you are, the longer you’re going to live. At least I’m pretty sure. You don’t hear about many sad people leading an inordinately long life. Though they are often not appreciated in their time.

Anyway, if you want to live longer like me, sing a lot! And/or dance. Just be careful in the shower.

Ellen DeGeneres knows what I’m saying. At least about the dancing part.

You should probably eat a balanced diet and exercise sometimes. But hey, if you dance a lot, you’ve got exercise covered!

 

Hello, world!

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Alright. My first Blog!

I know I’m supposed to delete that title and make up my own, but c’mon, it seems fitting for my first post into the internet universe. I had always been adverse to the entire social media world. However, after giving it some time and thought, it seems that perhaps social media can in fact be a neat tool for exploring yourself, your life, other peoples lives, etc. Plus, I’m just trying everything I can because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have ideas. Lots and lots and lots of ideas. The problem is, I like to switch between them on a bi-weekly basis. If it’s a really good idea, I’ll stick with it for a month or two. But I inevitably change my mind. Over, and over, and over… for example, it’s taking me six years to get an undergraduate degree. In anthropology. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, it’s actually a pretty perfect major for someone like me. As a professor once said to my professor who once said it to me, “Anthropology is like an intellectual poaching license.” And I agree. I can bounce around from tribal rituals to wall street to herion addicts to organic farmers to Muslim family law without blinking an eye. Super cool, right? Anyway, the problem is, once you’ve gotten a B.A. you have to narrow your focus if you want to continue. So I have to pick one. Hello. I can’t pick out a diet plan or what I want to wear tomorrow, never mind something I have to commit time and money to for the NEXT TWO YEARS. Please. So, instead I’m trying to slowly develop the basic things I like and have liked for a long time. Like writing. And reading. And cooking. And eating. And my dogs. Well, they’re around regardless of what I do, but I  have liked them for a long time. I’ve also liked my friend Chelsea for a long time, which is why we’ve decided to open a bakery/brasserie/cafe situation (Again, not settling on one. sensing a pattern yet?) of our very own. We’ve both thought about it separately, and then one day we thought about it at the same time and BAM, a dream was born. It’s all very exciting. We don’t exactly have a business plan. Or the start up capital. Or our signature recipes. BUT I found an awesome green couch that we must have! It’s something, right? Anyway, it’s one of those big dreams that we have to make come true and I’m sure we’ll have some  hard knocks and learn some great life lessons along the way. Like in the movies.

I figure this blog is a great way to maintain my sanity, and perhaps figure out if this writing thing is also something I can pursue. Because for a Blog to be good, you have to actually do the blogging on a regular basis. Like taking care of a pet or shaving your legs. For them to be healthy and/or silky smooth, ya gotta log the hours. So, that’s what I’ll be doing. Good old fashioned finger work. like leg work but with my fingers. Yay.

So, here we go world!

On that note, here is a picture of the paradise that our bakery/brasserie/cafe will ideally be situated in.

Home Sweet Home

It’s got a trolley! What could possibly be wrong with it?!