Beware the Black Friday

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Don't let their smiles fool you. They're probably armed, and definitely dangerous.

Thank goodness. It’s over. The dreaded Black Friday has come and gone. I’m sure some of you out there went and braved the human retail storm at obnoxious hours, but I’m not ashamed to say that I try very hard to stay home on this day. Yes zombies are scary. The boogie monster probably does really live under my bed, even though I don’t even have an under to my bed. (It’s an inflatable mattress) And don’t even get me started on aliens. I fear a lot of rational things. But most of all, I am afraid of holiday bargain shoppers. You might think I’m just being silly, but if you haven’t heard the horror stories that come out every year then you’re only endangering yourself. This year was particularly good, though I haven’t heard of anyone dying so it didn’t trump last year. Some of the scariest stories include:

  • A woman pepper sprayed her fellow shoppers in order to more quickly obtain an Xbox. Sure, it’s easier to get where you want to go if everyone around you is choking and/or writhing in pain. But seriously lady, it’s a video game console. They’re not even that expensive. But thanks to you, Little Jimmy will now have the console of his dreams, which he must have really earned. Or perhaps he tortured you singing the song that never ends for the last week, and promised to stop only if you brought him this Xbox. Fair enough. But in that case, I’d have brought a taser.
  • A man was shot by robbers who were attempting to rob him and a few other men while they were walking to their cars with their Christmas purchases. The robbers must have missed the memo that Black Friday makes people crazier than a full moon. These guys were not about to be robbed of the goods they just spent hours in line waiting to get. Sure one of them got shot, but he’s fine and the rest of them managed to hold down one of the felons until the police arrived. Memo to all potential hooligans- Black Friday is NOT the day to plot your heist. People be crazy.

Nothing riles up the American Spirit like 20 dollars off a PlayStation! Seriously though, while we’re pepper spraying each other for toys, Egyptian citizens are faced with violent protests in an attempt to, ya know, gain some semblance of civil rights in their country? But that’s okay, nothing as important as getting that discounted plasma television.

Seriously people, just remember: Black Friday shoppers are not rational, caring or sensible human beings. They are retail retards possessed by the marginally discounted merchandise spirit. BEWARE.

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