Monthly Archives: December 2011

Finals Week!


Finals Are Stupid.

Sounds good to me

Every college student knows this, because every college student has them. They usually sound something like this:

Please regurgitate everything you’ve learned over the past four months in a succinct 200 question test.

Please spend every waking hour of Finals week completing this Final Project with your Group members who will not call/email/text or Morse code you back until the night before it’s due with a bunch of complete crap. And yes, everyone’s grade will be worth equal weight, regardless of attitude/punctuality/hygiene habits.

Or, my personal favorite, please write an obnoxiously mundane paper anywhere from four to twenty pages on something vaguely relating in an obscure way to the course you’ve just completed. Please be sure to cite every article you’ve read in this course at least once. (This means you should have at least 40 sources.)

Don’t worry, I’ll get it done. All the while cursing the entire academic institution. It’s like having someone pay to torture you. Why in the world do we do this? Because guess what, at the end, you get a giant piece of paper. Okay well maybe it’s more like card stock, which is a bit more expensive than paper. And you’ll pay half of what you paid for tuition to have it framed professionally so you can hang it in your room/office/ bathroom and reflect on how much college sucked. And for the real loonies, you’ll go ahead and pay MORE money to get ANOTHER piece of paper saying you’ve done work akin to two years of virtually constant finals and ended up with a Master’s Degree.

Why don’t you get to be called a Master after you do that? If you’re talking about your academic credentials, you always say, “ah yes, I’ve got a Master’s degree in Astrophysics”. Why don’t you get to say, “ah yes, I’m a master of astrophysics” ? That would make the whole process WAY cooler. You get to be a Doctor after you get a Doctorate, why not a Master after getting a Master’s? Maybe they’re afraid people will want to be Masters of bad things. But it’s not like you can major in the Universe, or Bank Fraud, or Jewel Heists. (and if I’m incorrect in this, please do correct me. I’d like to be a Master of Witty Comebacks) so there’s not a lot of danger. I say we start a movement. An overhaul of academia! Let’s be MASTERS OF THINGS!

Anyway. Good Luck to those with finals. To those who have graduated- please feel free to revel in our pain. I fully intend to do the same once I too have graduated. I’ve made friends younger than me specifically for this purpose.


Cars Are Stupid


Get the $!%* out of my %*#@ing way

I don’t want a car anymore.

Seriously. I’m tired of driving. Even though I’ve never loved driving as much as I do now after mastering the art of driving stick, I don’t want to any more.

Well, okay. Maybe it’s not driving. Maybe it’s commuting. I don’t like commuting, and I’m tired of living in a place that pretty much requires everyone to do so. And I don’t mean a 30-45 minute commute. I mean at least an hour and for a lot of people an hour and 30 plus. That’s not even me, I’m in the 45-60 minute range, and I still hate it. It doesn’t help that me and my awesome manual car like to speed, all the time, and the people who constantly find themselves in the left lane going under the speed limit make me want to throw¬† balloons full of curdled milk at them. Or that many people don’t feel the need to use turn signals to switch lanes. Or to check the lane next to them before switching lanes sans signal. And then there’s everyone’s favorite- the construction that’s been going on so long you can’t remember what it was like before it started. The random lane closures, the rubbernecking drivers who are overly curious about what those men in hardhats are doing.¬† But hey, that’s a part of driving around here right? Everyone knows that. So here’s the question- why do we allow it people?! Everyone knows the drivers I’m speaking of, and everyone has their own stories to tell from countless hours logged commuting. WHY do we stand for this absurdity? WHY?!

Not trying to incite a riot here, just wondering. Anyway, instead of trying to stick it to the man, or whomever, I’m just going to leave. That’s right, I’m out of here. No more nutty traffic. No more nutty construction. No more Airport traffic! I will remove myself from the equation. In like six months when I’ve saved some money and finished school. I will remove myself from the equation all together. Problem solved.

It will leave me with a lot of balloons full of old dairy products though, should anyone have a use for them.

Also- were there traffic jams when everyone rode horses? If we still rode horses, would there be traffic jams? Well it would probably solve some construction issues as I’m pretty sure Horses shouldn’t walk on concrete for long periods of time. Just wondering.